I'd like to think that one day I'll be secure. That I won't take every little suggestion of rejection from another person as something that eats at me and which I spend too long thinking about. I'd like to be "mature" and be able to say with confidence that *I am the best I can do*... but then I say silly things .. give someone a bad impression of me, I feel - including people I've known for years and who are probably well past the "impression stage" and who probably like me but from whom the slightest knock-back can be galling.
I wasn't always insecure, but I was always shy. I was brought up with a mixture of cock-suredness and arrogance, which did me no favours. The insecurity hit when I was about 16... That threshold age. And it's stayed with me ever since.
I know that on the surface I appear over-confident and still often quite arrogant. And I know that I put myself across as someone with a very thick shell. And I know that each of these things makes it inevitable that people will treat me in a certain way. That they'll think they don't have to be terribly nice to me .. And anyway, perhaps I could try harder with them because inside they - the people I surround myself with - might be exactly the same way.
But the point is that insecurity sucks the strength out of me to do this. So it just goes round and round in circles - the feeling that few people even like me very much. And anyway, why should they? I'm a self-pitying, inward-looking, selfish individual. Who wants to change but who doesn't have the strength.
You might be wondering what's inspired this latest outburst? Fuck it, it's too pathetic to tell.
Oinks, I completely understand where you're coming from. Insecurity is an insipid little bitch. And then the minute you explain that you're feeling insecure, those who know you are bound to look at you as though you're a bit retarded and refute the suggestion. Yes, that's nice but then the insecurity makes the undertone all: "Of course, you HAVE to say that you think I'm awesome. Doesn't make it true."
ReplyDeleteHaving said that, you are awesome. And that is the truth.
The slurs, knockbacks and rejections are invariably not about us but other stuff or other people.
Now if I can only convince myself of this... (and apologies for the incoherent ramble!)
I agree with Elle but that probably doesn't make any difference to how you feel because of how you feel (if that makes any sense). One day I might reach some level of maturity too.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Elle and Heidi. I also think you're both awesome.
ReplyDeleteLast night I went out with two of the friends who this latest outburst concerned, and I made a concerted effort to make myself more fun to be around. I think I did an okay job, although I fear it makes me a little more muted and boring. Maybe that's a good thing. I need to do more of this. And then because (?) I left my ego a little more at home last night, I got a couple of compliments off them so that's a pretty good turn around.
Oh gosh, though, I don't know. The insecurity's here to stay but maybe it's also a useful reminder to "behave myself more" around people I like and be nicer to be around.
I think we all have a bit of insecurity and I know exactly what you mean about the 'thinking too hard when someone makes a comment' thing. I'd love to be able to brush stuff off but I can't. I cover my insecurity with a veneer of confidence, sarcasm and humour, so much so that people who don't really know me well have no idea that I'm not really the confident comedian I come across as. We are what we are Oink, the best we can do is try to manage it with the minimum of damage!
ReplyDeleteVicola - It's probably the same for everyone, really, isn't it? I'm still very much reminding myself of the need to make myself easier to be around (which mostly means far less sarcasm)... and I'm sure that's a good thing.
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