The nieces aren't coming...

... For various reasons, including one being a bit ill and the snow where they are, my parents have cancelled the plans.  Boooooring.

Unexpected

Somehow over the weekend, Big Boy persuaded me to invite the 10 and 12 year old nieces to London for next week.  They were last here a few months ago and they really do need a bit of fine polishing to make them more interesting and bearable to be around.  But they do need the break, and also they were supposed to be going to see their other grandmother around xmas time but she did a very silly thing... She pushed my parents too far in suggesting that the girls' father (who's only supposed to have supervised access) would have to pick them up from Wales on his own and take them on a two hour train ride to there.   One of the nieces simply refused.  It was not an option anyway.  I'd have bloody made sure he didn't get to do it if no one else had made the right decision.

So anyway, she's a bloody cow my views on her are confirmed as she clearly doesn't take seriously the girls' or my parents wishes on the issue.  I think anyway the girls could do with a break, and we like to be here for them (even if I'm going to need to bite my tongue when they annoy me endlessly while they're here).

In the meantime, I'm trying to think what to do with them while they're here.  I'd like some sort of activity afternoons to take them too - eg where they can paint pottery in one of those cafe things, or do something similar that I don't know about.  I've taken them to the Natural History Museum, the zoo, the Aquarium, to see Big Ben, Trafalgar Square, Kew Gardens, the Tower of London... etc.  So now I'm going to have to think more about this.

It should be fun - for them ;)

To those of you who don't follow me on Twitter or Facebook (!)

I should mention that apart from the usual whingy stuff I put up here, yesterday I had some very good news.  I have been given a part-time lecturing post for one term, starting in January, at *precisely* the place I want to be working and on a topic that is *precisely* my area of expertise.  Lucky, lucky, lucky.

And also I get to be taking 2 weeks off over Christmas before I get started, in which time I am going to make more of exploring my city like a tourist.  I've lived here years and I swear there are newbies who know more about the city than I do.  (But do they know the really good bits?)

Anyway, it's all good, really.  The angst just comes and goes, but the fact that I don't post here very often and it's my little outlet does go to show that I don't have much to complain about.

I quit my Lib Dem membership recently, by the way.  Over the child detention issue (although the tuition fees issue is shameful, too).

Yes. Life's good.  And this weekend I get to see my lovely little nieces (and the bigger ones!) - all apart from Favourite Niece Number 3 who I get to see again in a week or two.  Gosh, she's lovely.  

The curse of insecurity

I'd like to think that one day I'll be secure. That I won't take every little suggestion of rejection from another person as something that eats at me and which I spend too long thinking about.  I'd like to be "mature" and be able to say with confidence that *I am the best I can do*... but then I say silly things .. give someone a bad impression of me, I feel - including people I've known for years and who are probably well past the "impression stage" and who probably like me but from whom the slightest knock-back can be galling.

I wasn't always insecure, but I was always shy.  I was brought up with a mixture of cock-suredness and arrogance, which did me no favours.  The insecurity hit when I was about 16... That threshold age.  And it's stayed with me ever since.

I know that on the surface I appear over-confident and still often quite arrogant.  And I know that I put myself across as someone with a very thick shell.  And I know that each of these things makes it inevitable that people will treat me in a certain way.  That they'll think they don't have to be terribly nice to me .. And anyway, perhaps I could try harder with them because inside they - the people I surround myself with - might be exactly the same way.

But the point is that insecurity sucks the strength out of me to do this.  So it just goes round and round in circles - the feeling that few people even like me very much.  And anyway, why should they?  I'm a self-pitying, inward-looking, selfish individual.  Who wants to change but who doesn't have the strength.

You might be wondering what's inspired this latest outburst?  Fuck it, it's too pathetic to tell.